Miles’ veracious statements about B.R.!
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| LSU coach completely amenable to moral suasion
By CARL DUBOIS
Tiger Rag Associate Editor
(Inspired by and lifted liberally from Bill Garvin’s “Guaranteed Effective All-Occasion Non-Slanderous Political Smear Speech” from issue 139 of MAD Magazine, Dec. 1970)
The headline got your attention, didn’t it? Hey, on a slow news day, or during the summer doldrums, or both, you can attract a lot of eyeballs at the expense of the LSU coach. Stretch the truth. Appear to skewer him. Intentionally deceive, especially if the average reader isn’t likely to thumb through a dictionary for the meaning of every seemingly inflammatory word.
With that in mind, let’s talk about Les Miles.
(Make sure your friends see this!!! Forward to as many people as possible!!!!)
Baton Rouge, you might want to know he considers your city a salubrious place. When asked about it, he decided to be tractable, to indulge in unequivocal language and even to make repeated veracious statements about Red Stick.
Ignore these scrupulous, unvarnished fidelities at your peril.
Let me remind you about his background. Have you ever accidentally dislodged a rock on the ground and seen what was underneath? Exploring his past is dissimilar. All the slime, filth and corruption you could possibly imagine, even in your wildest dreams, is glaringly nonexistent in this man’s life. And even during his childhood!
It is a known fact that, on a number of occasions, he emulated older boys at a certain playground. It is also known that his parents not only permitted him to masticate excessively in their presence, but even urged him to do so.
Speaking of his family, we’ve uncovered a few items of interest.
At least some of his female relatives put on a constant pose of purity and innocence, and claim they are inscrutable, yet every one of them has taken part in hortatory activities.
The men in the family are likewise completely amenable to moral suasion.
One male relative is a flagrant heterosexual.
A female relative, we’re told, once worked as a proselyte outside a church.
One male role model was secretly chagrined at least a dozen times by matters of a pecuniary nature.
Another family member wrote an essay extolling the virtues of being a homosapien. Yet another subscribes to a phonographic magazine. Still another was a thespian before her marriage and even performed the act in front of paying customers.
Les himself? He is the very antithesis of political radicalism, economic irresponsibility, and personal depravity. His own record proves that he has frequently discountenanced treasonable, un-American philosophies and has perpetrated many overt acts as well.
He perambulated his infant son on the street.
He has declared himself in favor of more homogeneity on college campuses.
He has advocated social intercourse in mixed company — and has taken part in such gatherings himself.
He has been deliberately averse to crime in our streets.
Last summer he committed a piscatorial act on a boat that was flying the American flag in the … uh … ocean!
The facts are clear. The record speaks for itself.
Behold your coach.
To have faith in him would be a vote for the perpetuation of everything openly and avowedly compatible with our American way of life.
Carl Dubois has covered LSU athletics since 1999, some three decades after he first read MAD Magazine. He also knows it might be a stretch to say Miles has always indulged in unequivocal language. Carl is fascinated by how fast e-mails and links are passed around the World Wide Web after a mere cursory glance, with little regard to truly grasping what one has read and is willing to forward to friends and associates or post on message boards. Contact him at carl@tigerrag.com
That is too funny!! Linked
Good chuckle Carl, but I’m too lazy…when does the glossary come out?
Certainly, we have a want to publish a quality, capable glossary soon.
HUH? SAY WHAT?
The sad thing is we complain about the way our coach speaks when there is a giant oil slick out the back door. At least he was trying to do something like UHH help. Priorities? I hope the Tigers can emulate the Saints in their ability to win games and help the state recover from it’s second major disaster in 5 years.
We never complain about the way Miles speaks. There’s always something fun to write about. But we agree with you about him trying to help. If you read the most recent issue of Tiger Rag, you’ll know Carl Dubois said in his column that he knows Miles’ heart is in the right place. Proper syntax is often optional. He’s a good man. We’re just having a little fun, and maybe more at the expense of others, not Miles. This piece, flawed as it may be, was something of a commentary and an experiment on many dynamics inherent in our cyberspace world today.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
If I was paid $3.8 mil. to take an elite program to a 20-25th ranked position i would call B.R. a salubrious place to.
Jason- is Drew Brees and Sean Peyton camping out on Grand Isle to help with the oil slick? UHH priorities. Miles was there because of the want to be there.
My point is that we should use our time on the internet as a platform to promote our team in an effort to draw attention to our real problem. I did think the article was very humerous. Mark I think you ment to say,”I would call B.R. a salubrious place TOO.” Then maybe you could have said ARE Drew Brees and Sean Peyton camping out. Seems Miles isn’t the only one that needs some help with his grammer. You can’t be a national champ every year. Elite programs have a goal to be successful each year.